Let's Get Real
During the last few years of my life one of the only parts of my life that has been consistent, besides The Princess Leia, has been my training. Training for races has played one of the biggest roles in my sobriety, my health, my happiness, and my drive to become a better person. Having a goal to work towards really puts my life into perspective and allows me to remember why I am doing what I am doing. Something that drinking and drug use would continuously override.
I am struggling to train with no end goal in sight. Our current global situation has cancelled a majority of races and I wonder how I am supposed to remain the person I want to be when the main foundation of my identity has been taken away. My demons seem to know this and are resurfacing stronger than ever.
The why in the why am I doing this is becoming more important that ever. Getting up at 5am to run each morning before work is exhausting and there are so many days that I would love to just say no and stay in bed. On those days I would focus on my training goals and push through to stay consistent. A day comes after the race is done that I am able to rest and recover and enjoy a few lazy mornings sleeping in.
As I begin searching for a new focus, I look back over the last few years and realize training has allowed me to live the type of life I always dreamed of. It has never mattered whether I won a race, or finished dead last, or didn’t finish at all. What mattered was that I decided it was more important to show up and put in the work than to give up. The early mornings, the deciding to run after work even though I was already tired, that is the lifestyle of being an athlete. That’s the lifestyle I want to have.
May 12th, 2019 is the day I decided it was more important to live a completely sober life than to continue using drugs to mask the person I was scared to show to the world. A few weeks ago I made it to my one year mark. It was the first time I had made it through an entire year without the getting high to be happy, or drinking to cover pain, or using pills to numb the world. It was the first year I ever felt everything that happened. Training helped me accomplish that by giving me little goals to work towards and making the big steps seem smaller.
Training, be it running or biking or lifting weights, helps me to keep moving forward one day at a time. It allows me time to myself to be free from distraction and to get in touch with the person I am and the person I am trying to be. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that training is only one part of my identity. There are many things in my life that I do to keep me on track. Little things like making my bed in the morning or writing this post. I hope to continue trying to be the best version of myself because that is the only way I will ever be of service to anyone who needs it.
